6 Tips For Having a Threesome Without Ruining Your Relationship in The Process

We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we actually hear the nitty-gritty details of how we might actually achieve those things? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a licensed sex psychotherapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the specifics. This week’s topic: How to have a threesome when you’re in a relationship.

Q: My boyfriend and I have talked about having a threesome (with another woman) for close to a year. We’re both into the idea, but the opportunity to have one hasn’t exactly fallen into our laps. I think one of the problems is that we’re attracted to very different types. He likes tall and thin, which makes me feel self-conscious because that’s not exactly my body type. I like more androgynous-looking women, but my boyfriend jokes that I must be a closet lesbian if that’s my kind. Is there any hope for us?

A: Finding your third wheel is truly one of the hardest parts of having a threesome. Dan Savage calls them “unicorns” because it’s so rare to find a person who: a) you are both attracted to, b) is attracted to both of you in return, c) is willing to sleep you no strings attached, and d) is sane enough to not wreak havoc on your relationship. It’s a tall order!

So many people have fantasies of the perfect threesome situation effortlessly presenting itself on a silver platter, but this is rarely the case in reality. The bottom line is that setting up a successful threesome takes work. If you really want to make this happen, you’re going to have to try harder. Here is where I suggest you start.


If you guys have been half-heartedly trying to make this happen for a year, it might be time to reevaluate. Do you want to keep waiting for it to magically happen on its own, and if so, are you okay with the very real possibility that it might not ever happen? Or does it feel like it is time to step it up and put in a little more effort?

Sometimes having the fantasy is more fun that actually living it out. When it’s just a fantasy, you and your boyfriend can dream up endless scenarios and details, watch threesome porn, or read erotic threesome stories. When it’s a reality, you might have one awesome night to reminisce about, or you might have a flurry of awkward and uncomfortable memories.


So you’ve thought about it and decided you do want to go ahead with trying to have a threesome. The next step is to make sure you’re both crystal clear about what you’re looking for.

Talk about what’s on and off the table. Is your special guest going to play with just you, or does your boyfriend get to get in on the action too? Are you rounding the bases, or just sticking with foreplay? Is kissing OK? Would you feel comfortable letting her stay the night, or do you want her to leave right after the fun?

Keep communicating throughout the process to make sure you’re both on the same page. Come up with a code word or signal that you could use to say, “time out, I need a second to check in” and one for “this needs to stop right now.”

It’s also important to communicate those boundaries to your unicorn. You may feel overly clinical or awkward doing so, but threesomes require more communication than twosomes. Be explicit about what’s on and off the table for the two of you, and ask her what she’s comfortable with. For example, “we’re looking forward to playing with you, but we just want to be clear that we want to draw the line at intercourse. What are you looking for?”


A unicorn is not going to come to you; you have to go find one. Doing so is hard, but the Internet has made it a whole lot easier. There are threesome-specific websites and even a threesome app. If you’re worried about having your pictures up on these kinds of sites, describe yourselves and write, “we’re shy, but happy to exchange pictures privately.” Or you can put up a note on “OkCupid” explaining what you’re looking for. If you’re totally clear on your profile, you can avoid some of the awkwardness of having to spell it out in person.

I strongly recommend against having your third be someone who is a friend. There’s no undoing a threesome, and they can make things incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. You don’t want to lose a friendship for one night of fun. If you’re on the fence, just think through a few scenarios … what if it seemed like your boyfriend was enjoying having sex with your best friend a little too much? What if your best friend appears to be enjoying having sex with your boyfriend a little too much? Unless you feel extremely confident that your friendship could withstand the strain of a threesome, it’s just not worth the risk.

I’m not going to lie to you; if the two of you are into very different types of women, it’s probably going to be hard to agree on someone to invite into your bedroom. Here’s where it might help to revisit Step 1: Is it really worth having a threesome if you have to compromise and hook up with someone you’re not all that attracted to?


Your ad is up, and you’re starting to get some nibbles. You might be so excited to get your first few responses that you feel tempted to invite a lady over ASAP, but I recommend giving yourselves a little bit of time to feel it out in person before committing.

Say to your potential unicorns, “how do you feel about getting together for a cocktail? If it seems like a good fit, we can talk about what we’d like to do for the rest of the evening. If it doesn’t look like a match, we can go our separate ways, no hard feelings.” Agree on a signal with your boyfriend beforehand, like if you both touch your right earlobes, it’s a go.

Have a drink if you want to calm your nerves, but don’t get drunk. Being intoxicated makes it so much harder to make good decisions. Plus, you want to be able to actually enjoy your threesome, right? How sad would it be to wake up the next morning with only hazy memories?

In case it’s not a match, you may also want to have a plan for politely excusing yourselves for the evening. Getting turned down is always painful, no matter the situation, so try to spare her feelings with something gentle like, “you’re so lovely, but I think I’m too nervous to go through with this.”


You don’t have to go all the way the first time you hook up with your special guest. You may want to dip a toe into the threesome waters by having a make-out or cuddle session before doing anything more serious. Take the opportunity to check in with your boyfriend afterwards. See how you each felt, and if you want to continue moving forward.


Jealousy is unavoidable with threesomes. If you care about your partner, some part of you is going to get fired up seeing his hands on another woman. The challenge is figuring out if the uncomfortable feelings are worth the thrill.

It seems like you’re both already getting a little triggered by each other’s aesthetic preferences. You’re worried about him liking other body types more than your own, and he seems concerned that you might be a little too into women. I don’t mean to be a threesome party-pooper, but I’d spend some time thinking about whether or not you can actually handle the jealousy that a threesome might evoke. You’re the only one who can honestly answer that question!


This article was originally posted Here!

5 Reasons you Should Join a Swingers Website

With the internet on the cusp of most people’s fingertips, It has become much easier to meet and converse with people around the world. For those new to the swingers lifestyle, it can still seem like a world that you would never know or understand how to become a part of. Lucky for you there are communities and social networks online that will allow you to do just that. Swingers Sites have been around for a long time (decades now) and have evolved rapidly to demand and nuances in social features. Here are 5 reasons why Swingers sites are important places for you to start your journey into the swingers lifestyle.

1. Knowledge

The swingers lifestyle can be, for a new couple, anything from extra spice in the bedroom a few times a year, to a new environment that makes them feel like they belong. There is an established culture of the lifestyle filled with ground rules, play styles, and lingo. For you to get accustomed to it all, the best thing to do is to join a swingers site and read up on the basics of the environment. This is probably one of the most important things to do as a new swinger. When you enter into this world, you don’t want to do anything to offend others, and you also want to be sure you are protecting yourself and your partner. Also, the terms and lingo that swingers use could have you stumped in the midst of conversation. So take the time out and get yourself educated!

2. Comfort

When Newbies get involved with the lifestyle, it is usually very unfamiliar. It isn’t always easy to wrap your mind around how open and direct swingers can be about intimacy with their spouses, as well with other couples they play with. You’re going to need to get used to this. Joining a swingers site will help this in multiple ways. Swingers like to post pictures and videos of themselves showing off their erotic talents. They post blogs and talk about their intimate fantasies and fish for other couples that can help them fulfil those fantasies. They talk about their experiences and give good advice to those that ask. Most importantly they can be good role models for developing your stability in the lifestyle. There is no better way to take off those training wheels.

3. Hooking up

As the point above mentioned, you will meet people. You can’t swing without another couple, so you got to get out there and make friends. On swinger sites, of course, there are swingers from all walks of life, with an endless list of erotic play styles and fetishes. Create an account, check out profiles, and when you find someone you’re interested in, send them a friends request and an email. It’s important that you chat and get to know people. Comfort and chemistry can only be established by interaction!

4. Events/Vacations

When you are ready to start being physically in the swingers lifestyle, you have to go where swingers gather together. Swingers websites always keep you up to date on events that are running in your area. You can see guest lists so you know if there are couples/singles you’ll be interested in. Also most times you can get discounts to events from swinger websites.

5. Security

This is a topic that has become very controversial lately. By nature, swingers are very discreet. They want to keep their sexual preferences a secret for fear of judgement from friends, family and even professional peers. Swingers sites usually charge a fee to join, and one of the perks are special security on your content. Due to the over saturation of swingers sites out there today, many people have started to make secret accounts on public social networks like Facebook, Twitter, or posting ads on Craigslist in hopes to find others. This is not a good idea, folks. Facebook and Twitter keep a record of every post, picture, and video you have ever posted in the Library of Congress, no matter what your security preferences are. Also, Facebook and Twitter are open sources, so whatever you post (photos, videos) can be taken by someone else and used at their discretion. Not to mention that it is also illegal to post xxx content on Facebook. If someone flags you, you can be put in “FB Jail” which is a term used to having your account suspended or permanently banned. And as far as Craigslist is concerned. It’s easier to spend one day at a swingers club talking to real people all night then it is to spend weeks on craigslist trying to weed and seed out real people from pic collectors, and adbots. So as you can see, There is always a price to pay. The safest way to keep your content discreet online is to join a website dedicated to the swingers environment. They focus on keeping your content safe!


I hope this has helped you to understand the benefits of a swingers website. There has been a large growth in couples looking to share their erotic nature with others, and so swingers have been finding themselves with many more friends than ever!


5 Reasons To Consider Swinging

The average person thinks swingers are crazy and they cannot even begin to fathom why someone would find pleasure out of sharing their partner with someone else. It’s these types of selfish thoughts that will keep many couples from enjoying the type of fulfilment that swinger couples get to share in their relationships. If you just open you mind to see the possible benefits of swinging, you will quickly realise how this can take your relationship from good to amazing. Here are 5 reasons you may want to consider swinging.

1. Maintain An Exciting And Active Sex Life

It is no secret that after the first 3 to 5 years of marriage, the average couple goes from having sex several times a week, to once or twice weekly, sometimes one or twice a month. Sex is 100% mental, and it is very normal for boredom to sneak in, after several years of doing the same thing over and over. Couples, who find ways to spice up their relationships, tend to be better able to maintain that spark for much longer. One of the best parts about being in the swinging lifestyle is that you get to keep things interesting with your partner by sharing and exploring different sexual fantasies. Every swinger couple you meet will tell you that they have the best sex together after a night out hooking up with friends. Sometimes just having the permission to talk about different fantasies with each other is all you need to get things riled up in the bedroom.

2. No Need To Cheat

It is said that 30 to 60 percent of all married couples will have an affair at some point in their relationship. That means 6 out of every ten people who judge others for swinging would actually prefer to cheat. It is no coincidence that most people, even when married, their eyes tend to wander. This is because monogamy is very unnatural, and it is something we have to train ourselves to be. Evidence shows that most people fail in the attempt. Swinger couples have the benefit of being with their soul mate, while still getting to enjoy the many natural sexual fantasies and desires they have. The best part is that they get to live out these fantasies with the love of their lives. There is absolutely no need to cheat when you have the permission to express and act out your sexual fantasies.

3. Better Communication And Honesty

One of the most valuable things couples gain from being in the swinging lifestyle, is the ability to properly and frequently communicate with each other. Once permission is given to reveal those suppressed desired, you would be amazed at what other areas of communication are opened up. Swinger couples enjoy the benefit of expressing themselves freely in their relationships, leaving no room for lies and secrets.

4. Sustained Youth

For most couples, getting married is the beginning of growing old. All the many pleasures that kept you young and alive as a single person have now cast aside for a more routine and conservative “marriage appropriate” lifestyle. When couples become swingers, they get to enjoy many of the same things they use to enjoy as a single person. Also, swingers take more pride in their physical health as it increases their chances of hooking up with other couples. There is nothing that keeps you young like having fun and taking care of your body.

5.  An Incredible Social Life

On of the first things you sacrifice when you get married is your social life of the past. It is normal for partners in a relationship, to give up old friends, and old lifestyle habits that were once enjoyed, for the purpose of a happy marriage. This formula has failed very badly thus far, leaving us with a divorce rate of over 40%. What is even greater than the sex in the swinging lifestyle, is the friendships that you get to make. The best of friends we have today are swingers, and there is always a reason to go out and have fun together with like-minded people who want to live and enjoy life the same way you do.

Swinging is not for everyone. However, if you are one of those individuals who feel unfulfilled by being in a monogamous relationship, cheating is not the answer. By communicating your desires with your partner, you may find that they are having the same thoughts as you, and if that is the case, you will definitely find many of the things you are looking for, by exploring the swinging lifestyle.

Swinging For Newbies: 5 Keys To Having A Successful First Experience

The first time for anything is the most exciting, most memorable, and the most terrifying. These mixed emotions are a part of the reason your first experience is so unique. For a new couple, taking that next step from talking about wanting to experience the swinging lifestyle, to actually doing it can be quite nerve-racking. A lot of couples spend months, pondering and talking about it, even fantasising before they actually do anything physical.

The real truth is the only thing that keeps a new couple from wanting to take that next step is the fear of failure. You have invested years in your relationship with your partner, and in just one instant, so many things could go wrong if this swinging thing turns out to be a disaster. All these feelings are quite normal and if you are having these exact thoughts, just know that almost every single lifestyle couple went through this before they had their first experience.

Based on my experience with newbie couples and being around the swinging lifestyle for so many years, here are the five key things to having a successful first experience.

Don’t Stop Communicating

You can never talk about it enough. Though it’s hard to know exactly how you will react after things become real, talking about each possible scenario will sometimes trigger an emotion that will indicate to you whether something feels right or not. Communication only works when there is honesty. Share your every single thought and emotion with your partner. The ones that make you nervous, the ones that make you excited and the ones that are absolutely terrifying. Be sure to help each other out as you are both newbies and could be experiencing the same emotions. Your partner may be nervous to share all their thoughts with you because they are afraid of how you might react. You can help him or her out by asking bold questions and letting them know that it is safe to give an honest answer, as you will not overreact. Be the support for each other. Listen to your partner’s communication

 Establish Ground Rules

The reason for communicating to discover and reveal the things that may make you uncomfortable based on the emotions you have when you think about them. We call these the rules or boundaries. Establish your ground rule and respect each other’s wishes. Rules are not up for negotiation in the beginning, however, many times the rules get relaxed based on comfort levels. If your partner is not OK with something right now, it does not mean they never will be. Give them the time to evolve, but for now, respect where they are at. If it does not work for both, it does not work at all. Be honest about your rules, share them with your partner and respect each other boundaries and you will never go wrong.

No Rush, No Pressure

It’s very normal to feel like you have to do something soon because you have been talking about it for so long. Do not pressure yourself; don’t rush into anything before you are completely ready. Sometimes it helps to just be in an environment watching other couples and how they handle different situations. Never let “not hooking up” be a let down or disappointment. When the time is right for both partners, you will know. If you are ready and your partner is not, here is my advice to you, “go as fast as the slowest person.”

Put Your Partners Needs First

The most successful couples in the swinging lifestyle are normally the ones who are most “selfless”. Couples, who take a genuine interest in each other’s pleasure, almost always have amazing experiences and very little drama. For sure it’s ok for you to find some enjoyment for yourself out of this new and exciting venture. But trust me when I say this, the more you give, the more you will get. Yes, that rule applies here too. Find out the things that your partner is interested in experiencing, help him or her in fulfilling those fantasies, and a good partner will do the same for you.

Find A Safe Couple

Sometimes the first couple we are attracted to may not be the best couple to share your first experience with. The other couple is an important part of how successful your first experience is. There is a lot of amazing couples in the swinging lifestyle that enjoys helping newbies have a great introduction to swinging. As well as there are couples that are selfish, and may take little consideration to the fact that you are new and, you may not be where they are at regarding the things you are willing to do. Find a couple that takes an interest in your rules as a newbie couple, and they are will to go only as far or as fast as you ready to go.

Being in the swinging lifestyle can really be an exciting experience for couples that want to experiment. As long as you communicate well with your partner, be patient and selfless, you will no doubt have a fantastic first time. If you are a newbie couple looking to take that next step, please take these five tips into consideration. Your first experience has a better chance of being fun and drama free if you do.