A whole new world is an understatement.
I’m back from an incredible week in paradise at a retreat for swinger, kinky, and polyamorous couples, and although I’m deep in the drop that happens following an intense, transformative experience, I thought I’d share some thoughts on what I learned this year.
1. Always reject the tyranny of the “or.”
I don’t have to be a top OR a bottom. I can be both.
My main resistance to topping up to now has been a fear that if I did it, that’s all I’d ever get to do going forward. After some great discussions with multiple swingers and my own exploration through the week, I realized I can explore both and don’t have to slot myself into a rigid role forever.
I got to love the floggings I received AND also love guiding a woman through her first anxious time with a woman wearing a strap-on AND introduce another woman to the wonders of my dear friend, the njoy Eleven.
2. “Switching” it up is HOT.
If both of you are Switches, you can switch mid-scene, which I did during an incredibly hot encounter with Will.
He beat my ass red with amazing recycled tire rubber petal flogger until my legs couldn’t hold me anymore. Then I topped him, using him as my toy to do with as I pleased, investigating every inch of his body with my hands, hair, skin, lips, and sending him into subspace while I investigated how different parts of his body reacted to different sensations that ran the range from delicate to edging on painful.
I had no idea how much zing I’d get from the ‘Yes, Ma’am’ he gave me as I walked out of the room to use the washroom, instructing him that I expected him to be on his back and ready for me when I returned, despite his shaky limbs.
3. It’s NOT lonely at the top.
I like Topping much more than I thought (which maybe shouldn’t be such a surprise to this control freak, but there it is).
Much of what I like about bottoming is that I don’t HAVE to be in control, it’s nice to give that up, but I realized that I can be a top and have the bottom drive much of the scene. Topping isn’t just taking on a bunch of extra responsibility (other than consideration and care, which I do anyway with all my partners).
I was also surprised when a sadistic side I didn’t know I had popped out, leading to me bite Wes hard in a tender area. When he yelped and asked why I’d done it, I snarled, “Because I can and you like it!” His groan was all the affirmation I needed of how right my instinct was.
4. Sex is all in my mind.
I can come copiously and repeatedly from visual stimulation, or tactile stimulation unrelated to my genitals. I didn’t always have to be primed with having had prior orgasms, though if I was …*extra sploosh*.
Eleven times I came at Desire without genital stimulation (you may notice a common theme in this list).
- Kissing Ophilia
- Fingering Ophilia
- Doing people with my strap-on
- Having someone else’s juices sucked off my dildo
- Watching Flick suck Ophilia’s dildo in the hot tub
- Watching GingerSnap peg Cooper
- Watching GingerSnap do Ophilia
- Watching Flick and Eliza having sex on the bed next to me
- Having Flick come all over Eliza and me while Wes and Raina watched
- Hearing Raina and Ophilia orgasm next to me on the bed
- Having my ass beaten with a rubber flogger
5. There’s no need to visualize everyone naked because … wait … they totally are!
I am capable of walking around the resort naked, even though I had regular moments of panic thinking, “Should I be doing this?” — especially when I saw others wearing clothes.
Last year I could only be naked once I was in a location, but always put clothing on to walk around. Small victories.
6. Take every opportunity available to learn from professionals.
Being flogged on a St. Andrew’s Cross by a virtuoso top is an extraordinary experience.
I loved my public flogging and even though my eyes were closed, I got so much extra thrill knowing there was a person on the other side of the dual St. Andrew’s Cross having something similar done to them simultaneously — hearing their breath catch and the smack of the flogger hitting their skin in harmony with the impact on mine.
When I had the inevitable endorphin-release laughing/crying jag, I wasn’t even that embarrassed to be doing so publicly.
7. I’m not an extrovert, but I can play one on TV.
After I do something super extroverted and performative, such as leading the Speed Meet and Greet or helping Belle with the squirt demo, I need to lie in a dark room for about an hour to weep and recover.
But holy hell, the wave I made at the demo would take it out of anyone …